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Oh dear...
I've had this car for about five years, after
buying it for a large amount of money from
Whites Audi in Wimbledon. It had been an A8
demonstrator at the start of its life, then
been owned by the finance director of an Audi
dealership. I managed to have it fully Audi serviced up until a few years ago and about 76,000
miles when along came *ahem* the divorce; my
divorce that is. Anyone who knows about Audis
(and divorces) will guess what happened next.
That's right, the 80,000 mile service cropped
up. This is the cam belt service. The cam belt
must be replaced at 80,000
miles. There was no way I could have afforded the £1100 this would have cost at the time so I
decided 'how does the cam belt know it's
done 80,000 miles? It'll probably be okay until
100,000' I then cleverly proceeded to get a job that
inolved a 120 miles of driving every day. You
know the punch line already don't you? I went to
start it one morning last month (on the day I
was supposed to be moving house as well) and the
engine just whirred at me. There IS a chance this is just a coincidence
- and not the cam belt at all. I did think there
was a noise coming from the power steering pump
before the breakdown, I don't know. Unfortunately there's more bad
news... Let's deal with the 'heart' scratched
into the driver's side pillar first. My
(now ex) wife did that in an angry mood one
night because, as she put it, 'you love that
car more than you love me' (admittedly she
did have a point). Not long after that
I moved to St Albans and started going to the
now mysteriously disappeared Executive Audi for
servicing, they called me 'the love heart man'.
How we laughed.
The dent in the bonnet - almost exactly
the same shape as a tyre mounted on the back
of a 4x4 (I don't want to talk about it).
Audi has looked at this and quoted 'a new
bonnet, fitting, preparation, and spraying of
bonnet (it would be blended in with the wings)'
at about £1100 inclusive. I have not sought
further bodywork quotes.
The tyres are all buggered. Even the
spare. Okay, especially the spare.
The brake warning light is ON all the
time. I spent £2000 having all the brake discs,
pads, and front suspension replaced two years
ago, so decided it was okay to ignore it.
The tracking needs looking at, which only
Audi can do as they are the only possessors of a 'special tool' needed for one specific part of
it.
The MOT has just run out, as has the
road tax. Here's the usual rundown of the extensive
kit:
ABS
Fully electronically adjustable seats
(drivers headrest has stopped working, otherwise
all perfect)
Air conditioning
17" competition alloy wheels
Anti theft
system
Six CD Multichanger
Leather
seats
Electric double glazed windows
Rear
window shades
Headlight washers
Heated
seats front and
rear
Airbags
Sunroof
Service
History
Don't forget this car DOESN'T GO. So collection is required,
although I will arrange delivery at the usual
cost of transporting a car at your expense if
required. One more complication: I'm in Southend with
work at the moment, the car is in St Albans.
While the usual gubbins people who sell cars on
eBay always quote applies, namely: 'you
are bidding to buy, not view' I realise
that in this instance a potential purchaser
might want more information or an inspection.
I'll just need at least a day's notice, and it
will have to be after 7pm. Do speak to me though
if you are keen and we'll sort something out I
am sure. I don't think selling cars is my forte you
know, so if you have any comments, suggestions,
or questions, please contact me via the
magic of email on: raymond@dunthorne.com
or call me on 07905 568 051.
Do leave a
message if I don't pick up, and I'll get back to
you.
On 04-Aug-04 at 10:21:48 BST, seller
added the following information:
I am
reliably informed that it's almost certainly NOT the cam belt.
There
was no massive noise or anything. That's the GOOD news.
The
BAD news is that my girlfriend
(not my ex-wife) became somewhat cross with me
last night (I was away from home) and broke the
rear lights. She has calmed down a little now,
and says she hit one on each side with a hammer,
making a hole. I will add a picture ASAP.
I
can only apologise to the people at
Audi in
Ingolstadt for
not looking after this once fine flagship.
On 04-Aug-04 at 15:54:05 BST, seller
added the following information:
About
these 'offers' that keep coming in via email:
I have
been completely honest about the condition of
this car (obviously), but that doesn't mean I
need to practically pay you to take it
away!
There
are loads out there on the market this
age, this
mileage, and this (about from the faults listed above)
condition at around the £9000 mark, for
instance: http://www.amcarsquattro.co.uk/ (fourth car down).
I have a
realistic idea of what needs spending on this
car to get it in the same condition as that £9,000 one, how much profit a motor trader would
want to make, and what's left
over.
I WILL
accept a sensible
cash offer to end the sale early. You
suggest one, go on, I know you
want to.
On 05-Aug-04 at 11:28:21 BST, seller
added the following information:
In
answer to the few questions about the rear
lights, I only keep a *small* hammer, which is always a wise move in case it's
ever used in anger against you. I haven't seen
the damage yet, but madame assures me there's
not MUCH damage as she only applied ONE
BLOW to each light.
I have
tried to get her to describe the damage in more
detail, but any mention of the incident tends to
set her off again. However, some broken rear
lights is not going to drastically alter the
value of this vehicle to a potential purchaser.
I did
mean to call Audi and get
prices, but they have shut up shop and moved out
of St Albans completely, just two weeks ago. I
am taking that *slightly* personally. I think
they're a bit sick of me, it was probably the
tyre changing incident that did it.
On 05-Aug-04 at 19:10:47 BST, seller
added the following information:
Re: emails regarding
the dent on the front.
Yes, the bonnet
opens, and the car passed its last
MOT with the dent. A repair is
certainly not required before she is back on the
road. I soon began looking at the dent as a
style enhancement, my five year old is
especially fond of it and calls it the car's 'smile'.
I did post
messages on an Audi bulletin
board (www.tyresmoke.net) looking for
bodywork advice, but eventually - with the help
of my five year old - decided it would be a
good idea to try and persuade ALL other
Audi A8 owners that their cars would look
better with a dent like
mine, and that I could help facilitate this at a
reasonable rate. It didn't work needless to say,
and another secondary income stream bit the
dust.
On 06-Aug-04 at 18:01:13 BST, seller
added the following information:
To answer the two
rather cheeky 'why did you buy it if you
can't afford to run it?' emails:
Can I refer you to my
above comments re: DIVORCE, which is
enough of a financial drain at the best of
times, but (I'll spell it out for you) is made
somewhat worse when your ex-father in law takes
it upon himself to hire a celebrity divorce
lawyer to make sure every single penny is
bled from you, and that your life is a misery in
general.
It didn't turn out as
bad as it could have in the end, as thankfully
his daughter had already spent everything
we had, and quite a lot we didn't have, leaving
me with - thanks to here commitment to shopping
- an impressive six figure sum of debt. Have
half of THAT VLP (mentioning no names
here).
Even more luckily on
my part, I was, coincidentally, made
REDUNDANT at exactly the same time, which
was slightly confusing as I ran the company (I
didn't argue, it's best not to look too closely
into these things). INSOLVENCY soon
followed, and I was delighted to be able to
celebrate what I call the full HATTRICK. An impressive achievement for someone in his
early thirties. Okay, late thirties.
Can we focus
on the car now please?
On 06-Aug-04 at 18:19:03 BST, seller
added the following information:
And for the person
who spotted the recent purchase of a 'baby doll
nightie' in my eBay history: yes - it WAS for my girlfriend, and no it WAS
NOT connected with the hammer/light breaking
incident.
On 08-Aug-04 at 02:24:18 BST, seller
added the following information:
It should be clear
from the blurb above that I have had enough
problems recently without this auction closing
with someone who has no intention of paying in
the top spot. I should have added
at least a variation on the eBay sanctioned
phrase: 'Seller will not accept bids
from bidders with negative feedback'. I
think that's a bit harsh. Just remember, this
auction is not a competition where you win the
car by guessing a higher amount than anyone
else. You are indeed bidding to buy, not
view. Thanks everyone for
your kind comments and helpful suggestions. I
really wish I was in a position to take some of
them up, except the illegal ones of course.
Although *one* idea came in that holds a certain
appeal. I'll not say which, just in
case.
On 08-Aug-04 at 19:28:09 BST, seller
added the following information:
I am a bit sad and guilty about this
car business now. I was just in a Waterstones
bookshop, or 'Special Library' as I tell my
children ('You can look at the books, but
they have to stay in the shop, I mean LIBRARY,
they have to stay in the special
library'). And what does the tallest one do? He picks up
Jeremy Clarkson's 'Hot 100: Cars That Make
You Go Phwoar!' By habit, we looked to
see if the Audi A8 was in there, and just as I
discovered her, I had a sudden guilty flush, as
if I'd accidentally phoned a relative with the
sole agenda of borrowing a few quid, and while
wondering why they weren't answering, suddenly
remembering that they'd popped their clogs last
year, and after a particularly long, drawn out
illness during which time I never visited them
once. I haven't ever actually DONE that thank you - I just need to clearly
illustrate the car-related guilt here okay?
The bottom line is that, according to
Clarkson, the A8 is an understated, powerful,
and as near-perfect an aluminium masterpiece as you could want. Admittedly, he wasn't
talking about this one, and I didn't
actually read what he was saying, so the above
Clarkson-attributed words aren't verbatim. I was too glassy-eyed to read
anyway, this isn't how I wanted to end my
relationship - with the car - I just haven't got
any choice. It could be worse though,
especially when I think of what happened to my
previous car, an Audi A6. At least the French
authorities never pursued a claim in respect of
the lamppost. There are pictures - email me
- and thanks once again to the AA. I have nothing but fond memories
of this car - for instance, I remember being
*abroad* once, the evil monsters masquerading as
children that lived with me then - and their
mother - were asleep, so I decided we should
look into covering ground a little more
effectively for a while. We were thus soon floating along
on a pretty damn empty road (its those tolls) at
about 125 mph, when another car shot past on the
right, which must have been knocking on the door
of 150. It was another A8, I was very proud.
'Let's see exactly what speed he's doing'
I sensibly thought, and tried to catch up. Mrs F had woken by then and
objected unreasonably strongly to this plan.
That's when I first realised things were going
pear shaped, and I'm not talking about the
car.
On 09-Aug-04 at 22:52:26 BST, seller
added the following information:
Well there we go,
it's nearly over. Was that seven days? Surely
not. Slightly obscure planning on my part, as it
coincided with the seven days my children are
staying with me in Southend, thus the few of you
who have (perfectly reasonably) wanted to come
and see her (the car, not my hammer wielding
girlfriend) have been disappointed. Life's full
of them (disappointments) or so I keep telling
my children anyway.
Hey! I have been
slightly cheered by your emails, especially the 'you should write a book.' ones. I have,
of course, been in the middle of a masterpiece
of a comic novel for about two years now. It
would have been finished yonks ago and is only
on hold while the final death rattle of my
divorce plays out, and while my naughty short
girlfriend from Scunthorpe (I know, I
know, I'm working on a 'faux PR company renaming
campaign' as we speak. Early thoughts: It's
2004 and time to take the 'c' out of Scunthorpe
with the launch of our town's new name and new
slogan: There's a bright future for you in
Sunthorpe!' ) calms down. That
really is off topic though.
However, the kind
book comments do link slightly more credibly to
another popular query about what am I putting on
eBay next? Well it's not going to raise quite
the level of interest as my aluminum
masterpiece, it's hanging on the door just there, it's a vintage British naval
officer's uniform jacket.
It hasn't been
defaced by my ex-wife or attacked by my
girlfriend (yet), it's just been worn by me a
few times and, I shouldn't wonder, a vintage
British naval officer. It was an eBay purchase
last year because I thought it would help with
my writing, my book having a slight 'nautical'
theme. Not only didn't it help, it didn't fit,
so off it goes back on the market, and hopefully like this poor car, to a more deserving
home.
As if wearing a
particular jacket would help with writing a
book. Ha! What an idiot. I should have
got a hat.
Thanks for your
support.
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This seller, upshirtcreek, prefers PayPal.
