Untitled Document
| Monday 20 August - Lollipop man |
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Another
fence - sort of
OK,
so it's not a white picket fence. I was about to start making one
(a fence) in the week the charming police officers came round to
politely enquire if I would be so good as to think about not putting
things on the fence anymore. That kind-of put me off. They were
so nice and your Fencemaster simply didn't want to disappoint them.
Either way, 'another fence' has been by far the most popular suggestion.
This
mini lollipop fence travelled all the way from the Lake
District a place I can only describe as 'up north'. and despairingly
close to Warrington (get your Warrington Desktop wallpaper here).
Thanks JB for making this fence. People are tough up north and not
fazed by being outnumbered by the forces of law and order. I happen
to know that JB is only 12 too. A note was attached to the tiny
fence that said:
'To
the Fencemaster. I have made you a fence to put on your fence, master.'
Cool
man.
On
the fence: 05-August-2001 Off the fence: Yes.
Removed by: An employee of the landlord is suspected
Appearances on the fence: 1
Current status : Biodegrading somewhere
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| Friday 17 August -
Heather, Justine, Jase, and Neil - take a bow |
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Fencetastic
'All
in all, we had a great time, as did the fence i think, and the curious
passers-by. we didn't bother trying to explain why we were drinking
champagne, giggling and photographing each other handcuffed to an
inanimate object.' You see? the fence is for everyone. Don't
be shy, come and see for yourself. This does not, of course, constitute
encouragement or incitement of any kind to come and put things on
the fence in a naughty manner. Oh no. Just come and enjoy the fence,
maybe attach something to it for a while, then take it off again.
What a lot of fun.
Here
we have Neil, handcuffed to his bike, which in a novel twist is
just leaning on the fence. I think. More totally unsolicited fence
activity coming up.
On
the fence: Between 24-July/30 July Off the fence: Yes.
Removed by: Themselves - in a responsible manner
Appearances on the fence: 1
Current status : In the pub, probably
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| Friday 10 August - Something for
the weekend? |
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Cheers
Everyone
knows that your Fencemaster likes a pint. A pint of anything really.
However, being very old now, my days of quantity not quality are
over. Unfortunately I wasn't around to help Heather, Justin, Jase,
and Neil polish off this bottle of fizzy plonk. What an excellent
idea though. I know, it's not really attached to the fence, but
it does set off the lone pedal smartly, while giving the fence an
air of taste and style that puts your Fencemaster and his pints
of Guinness or Harp
firmly where he belongs; in the pub.
They
offered the fence its own cup of cheer, and it disappeared over
night, probably by osmosis. Either that, or the bearded man drank
it.
On
the fence: Between 24-July/30 July Off the fence: And
into the bin
Removed
by: The bin men
Appearances on the fence: 1
Current status : Awaiting imminent replacement
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| Thursday 09 August - Handcuffs |
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Bring
it on
In a
spirit of equality that's a tribute to the fence and all it stands
for here's a hard-looking bloke attached to a railing via the magic
of handcuffs. Incidentally, railings go together to make a fence.
It's in Websters, or was it Chambers dictionary. So no, to the people
who have brought it up, I am not going to change the name of this
site to 'whatshouldiputontherailings.com'.
Note
the challenging deportment. If only your Fencemaster actually was
the eccentric millionaire he would have people believe, there would
have been a large cash sum changing hands in the perennial 'brown
envelope' fashion in exchange for security services in relation
to fenceside installations. More than a match for our bearded
friend, it's Jase, one of our mates (see Fun in Acapulco, below).
On the fence: Between 24-July/30 July Off the fence:
Whenever he wanted
Removed by: The proper authorities.
Appearances on the fence: 1
Current status : Working the door at Stringfellows
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| Wednesday 08 August - At one with
the fence |
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Nookie
power
Once
again your Fencemaster is not responsible. I flagged up the possibility
to the delightful Mrs Fencemaster of her participating in fence
activities more actively a while ago. However, she is big (in a
tall way) and as strong as an Ox. No handcuffs could hold her. The
fence would be ripped from its, er, hinges in an Attack
of the 50 foot woman kinda way.
This
is the work of Heather, Justine, Jase, Neil again (see below). They
look, quite rightly, pleased to be enjoying the fence. It's an example
to us all of how much fun a fence can be if you put a bit of effort
into it. In their own words:
'Our
boyfriends handcuffed us to it. we like handcuffs. Then they joked
that they would leave us there. but they are nothing when faced
with nookie power, as you yourself may have noticed with mrs fencemaster,
so they cut us loose.'
On the fence: Between 24-July/30 July Off the fence:
After about 2 hours, I think.
Removed by: I don't know. Perhaps they just escaped.
Appearances on the fence: 1
Current status : Going about their daily lives normally, in
an inconspicuous manner, just like your Fencemaster.
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| Tuesday 07 August - Fun in Acapulco |
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Presley
the dog
This
is it. My favourite thing on the fence and I didn't do it, or even
see it. He was on there for a whole week, dependent on passers by
for food and water. He's still on it too. OK, ok, don't
panic. He was only on it for a minute. NOT a week. Put down
that phone, stop bothering the RSPCA 24 hour cruelty hotline (0870
55 55 999). I just rang it incidentally, and they weren't very cruel
at all.
Right.
Step forward Heather, Justine, Jase, Neil, and, of course, Presley.
These are your Fencemaster's new friends. Best friends. Not
only did they bring along Presley,
they did lots of other things. Not only that, they took fine
pictures. All while your lazy, good for nothing Fencemaster was
steering a hired Chrysler Voyager around the Spanish Lampposts (placed
in infinitely more sensible places than those in France. I hate
French lampposts, all of them).
There are another FOUR great installations, courtesy of Heather,
Justine, Jase, Neil, and, of course, Presley. Look out for them
this week. Oh yes.
On the fence: Between 24-July/30 July Off the fence:
After about a minute so stop complaining.
Removed by: Responsible and caring owners
Appearances on the fence: 1
Current status : Having a little sleep.
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| Monday 16 July - Wheel meet again |
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Wheelie
serious
I was
sad on Friday, finishing the week with nothing more than a lone
pedal on the fence. Today that pedal is joined by its mate (the
other pedal) and a lovely old mountain bike wheel to form a fence-side
'triangle of interest'. Cycle parts are a popular, and sensible,
suggestion so I am pleased to continue 'Put your suggestions on
the fence week' for another, er, week.
Wheelie Serious is
the name of the bike shop in George Street, London W1 where I got
my new bike. They are very nice there and like bikes and cyclists,
not like the people over here, in Bentinck Mews.
On the fence: 16-July-2001 Off the fence: 23-July-2001
Removed by: Fencemaster
Appearances on the fence: 1
Current status : I promised the police
officers I would remove it, so I did. If you want it, you can
have it, just let me know. I couldn't find the keys for one of the
pedals, it was still there today, Saturday August 4th. I have plans
for what I'd like to do next (without upsetting the officers), but
need help, so E-mail
me if you know any performance artists.
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| Friday 6 July - Two popular requests |
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Intelligence
test
It's
a pedal off my old bike, the one that was nicked two weeks ago today.
The handyman has been conspicuous by his absence, so I've left this
new hacksaw to try and tempt him out of hiding. Let's see if he
works out that just taking the blade off will facilitate removal
of the hacksaw and he can then refit the blade and saw off the pedal.
Hmm.
A department
store mannequin is a popular suggestion and excellent idea, but
they are £295 in the local department store mannequin shop
(yes, there really is one). So this pedal and saw are it for this
week. I'm not going to take them off myself. I tried that last week
with the fridge door and Tricycle, and got no thanks for it.
On the fence: 06-July-2001 Off the fence: Hacksaw
gone, pedal remains.
Removed by: Handyman
strongly suspected
Appearances on the fence: 1
Current status : The weekend (14/15-July-2001). It looks like
Handy Andy has made a bid for the hacksaw, as it's gone. The pedal
remains. I have a plan for Monday. I realised I can make my own
fence as there seems to be a pile of wood just outside the Fencemaster
bedroom. I don't know why it's there, so I'll make a fence out of
it. However, it's my birthday on the 15th (Sunday, I'll be 36. Good
Lord), and Mrs Fencemaster is forbidding any fence-related activity,
so the fence, to
go on the fence, will have to wait. She's very strict.
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| Monday 2 July - Fencemastering Sunday
(It was yesterday. Did you enjoy it?) |
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On
three wheels
It was
the opening of the 'Fencemastering Sunday' can of worms that sent
Mrs F on the offensive and started the handbag
business. She was worried about missing her Sunday
morning treat, you see. Either way I just happened to be passing
the fence at 7:30am on Sunday, and the SMEG fridge door was still
as green and as attached to the fence as it was on Friday. I took
it off and brought it home, just in case.
I did
not steal this tricycle off the two year old Fencebaby. Well, OK
I did, but he vastly prefers the Bob
the Builder one he got for Christmas, as it has the added kudos
of 'Bob' branding, and the associated prestige on the street. I
also think the McGlashans employee with eight children probably
needs a break too, and I'm sure the handyman will remove it carefully.
I should be cross if it's damaged.
On the fence: 01-July-2001 Off the fence: 03-July-2001
Removed by:Fencemaster
Appearances on the fence: 1
Current status : Rehomed with a grateful two year old.
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Don't
miss these great fenceside installations: The fridge
door, HMS Invincible, Lucky the tiger...
Suggest
something to go on the fence.
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